Helicon Keeps Taking the Tabloids

69 • Er, What?


Chris O'Shea II Horror!

It is reported that the chairman of this convention is in fact the notorious Chris "Punslinger" O'Shea II. In a mighty slip by this larger than life fan, he allowed the real Tim Illingworth to reveal himself (oo-er!) during the "If I ruled the Universe..." panel.

He is reported as saying "and I would have got away with it too, if it wasn't for you pesky kids and that nosey dog...!"

Ben Yalow's Evil Twin!

In a reporting scoop we can exclusively reveal that Tim Illingworth is in fact Ben Yalow's evil twin. Evidence for this is quite obvious. 1) Both "enjoy" an activity that can best be described as "SMOFing". 2) Both have beautiful flame haired women young enough to be their grand-daughters with them (but old enough to buy a round at the bar). 3) They wear exactly opposite clothing (Ben is smartly dressed, wears a tie, posseses a pair of shiny shoes, has a clean shirt and dresses to impress. Tim on the other hand...) 4) Tim wants to run conventions in the US....(think about it)

Who Is This Illingworth Anyway?

Anthropologists revealed today that the "Tim Illingworth" (Timus Smofficus) excavated from the ruins of some sort of temple dedicated to the chocolate goddess (Milka Cadbria from the pantheon "Seleksion Bocks") from a hill fort in St.Helier is an ancient ancestor of our modern tree sloth.

When cornered he would exhibit a rare attack of Davidicus Langfnord and become deaf to the phrase "No Tim".

Sex, Lies and Duper Ink.

(We lied about the sex...)

"Oh you horrible little man, don't be nasty to him while he's feeling triumphant." -- Notorious female.

"Tim's job is not to predict the next UK Worldcon but to prevent it..."

"Today the universe, tomorrow Milton Keynes... [evil cackle]."

"Steve Green: I'm going to kill the bastard" -- well known Mexicon registration desk.

"You'll have to get there first" -- well known compiler of SF encyclopaedias.

"Has anyone seen today's Independent, apparently I'm in it, oh, here I am, under Obituaries."

"If we can't think of anything funny, we just mention Tim Illingworth and it gets a laugh" -- John Clute

Toady in History

One hundred years ago today, Sgt Pepper taught the band to play.

50 years ago today Tim Illingworth bought a round (apocryphal). Tim Illingworth is 95.

6 months ago today, Octarine come up with original title for convention. 5 months, 30 days, 23 hours, 59.9 minutes ago, they give it up and steal "Inconceivable" instead.

5 minutes ago today, anonymous European fan picked up a copy of Heligraf von Illingworth and thought that it had more serious news in it than the daily HELLO!graph.


Steve Green (1937-1993). Well-known libelist and sheep-molester Steve (Mr. Green to his friend) was today killed by a freak accident. A freak dropped a copy of the SF encyclopaedia (£45 from Little, Brown, Jug. Available in all good bookstores) on his head 27 times. Fortunately it missed his brain by 4 feet, unfortunately it hit him in the mating apparatus and killed him instantly. Terry Pratchett said it was million-to-one odds, so he never stood a chance.

Programme Update

Tomorrow's item on How to Get Out of Running a WorldCon has been cancelled.

Art auction, 13 people named Arthur will be sold to raise money for Fans Across The World.

The Enemies of Foundation AGM will be held in the Minstrel bar at 6pm (outdoors if wet).

Dave Langford: Justifiably Hungover will be in the bar from 10am today until either he finishes it or it finishes him.

HelioGrafVonIllingworth R101, 12/4/93. Chairman: Dive Longward. Finance: Ernest Saunders. Membership: Marie Celeste. Publicity: Fnord Publications. Admin: Ghengis "Nancy-boy" Khan. Creche, bang, wallop: Stupid-nous Man. Dismembership: Ming the Vase. Hotel Liaison: 1st Tiger Hobbes. Speaker to Mundanes: K'rolyne Mil©ñ. Garlic: Press. Magician: The. Ops Shift: Paul, Alex, Chris, Carol, Dave + others too perfidious to mention.