The Last Dangerous Heliograph

9 • Monday Evening


Travellers in Black

FAMOUS ARTISTS Jim Burns and Fangorn were discussing vast Art Auction profits when an art lover broke in: 'Excuse me, I love your pictures. Do you have a catalogue or do commissions?' -- this addressed to, actually, Rachel Baker. Collapse of stout artists.

RED SALES IN THE SUNSET: 30 people had joined the KGB at last count. Beware the midnight knock on the door from Brian Aldiss, the entire Family Harrison and Anne McCaffrey (who will be carrying a small, monogrammed flame-thrower).

HOT WEERDE. Early copies of the new Weerde anthology The Book of the Ancients have been sighted, to cries of 'How much are Roc paying Writers of the Future for nicking their cover?' 'Go to bed,' grits Midnight Rose lich Alex Stewart.

KATE SOLOMON cleared the bar (c. 0400) by expounding her fears of global destruction, the collapse of the British educational system, the starvation of millions, etc. P.Weston soothingly advised her to read The Player of Games, which offers solutions to all these problems. Kate dissented: 'Someone will take it over and run things.' She was dragged to bed after one final exchange: 'You'd be a rotten teacher!' 'You couldn't run a doorknob factory!'

MARY CELESTE MYSTERY SOLVED BY I.SORENSEN! 'Dave Langford did the after-dinner speech.'

The Voices of Time

CLOSING CREDITS. Heliograph could not have been brought into existence without the help of very many people, but nevertheless it was. (Chorus: 'Start again, Langford!') Er ... please see past issues' credits. Harry Bell drew the logo and cartoon. Special grovels to Brian Aldiss, Barry Bayley, John Brunner, Jenny Glover, Andy Porter of SF Chronicle (who faxed his Embarrassing Birthdays List for April), Chris Priest, Alex 'E.J.Thribb' Stewart and 1,000 Elephants.

TRUE GRID. HdF want a copy of Helicon's map of their conference space: it's better than their own -- which is based on the Contrivance map....

UNSUNG HEROS [SIC] OF FANDOM: the Freucon committee members who are still too mentally and financially exhausted from running Freucon to get to Jersey. Thanks from the Helicon committee for convincing so many people that Eurocons are a fun event that they realy (sic) want to attend.The Helicon Committee

ZOMBIE FACTOID -- IT'S DEAD TRUE! (or, DEATH IS NOT THE FINNISH) ... To become an official zombie you have to have a measured Body-mass Index of ~19 or under. This Index is: weight (kg) divided by the square of height (m); i.e., I = wt/ht2. A 1.8m (6ft) zombie weighs under 62.4kg (138 Earth lb [© 1993 Kaleidoscope]) and thus, empirically, the zombie-hood Index I ~= 19.26.

NOT A SPOOF! Inconceivable congratulate Inconceivable on their publicity campaign and on actually managing to organize a real con. We look forward to Inconceivable II, The Eastercon.

PANIC AT 1300: Only 6 bars of chocolate left.

FAN FUNDS AUCTION. Thanks to our bidders, donors of material and helpers, we raised a total of £141.90 1/2 : £52.50 for FATW, £63.40 for GUFF, £26.00 for TAFF and 1/2 p for Thog. Pam Wells

WEIRD SCIENCE. Eldritch, unhallowed experiments, involving the addition of transfinite masses of chocolate to a swimming pool and unforbidden only through a curious lack of imagination on the hotel's part, today resulted in the creation of 'The Shallow Ones'. John Dallman

UPC SF AWARD 1993. Original sf work, submitted under pseudonym (real name etc. in sealed envelope), 75-110pp, 2 copies, A4 double-spaced (30 lines/page); prize 1M pesetas (c$10,000) plus potential 250,000pta if the work (this is the difficult bit) is in neither Catalan nor Spanish. Entries by 30/8/'93 to Consell Social de la UPC, Edifici ETSAB, Diagonal 649, 08028 Barcelona.

SUCK ON THAT, SMOFCON! We have drunk all the Old Jersey Bitter. (Martin Hoare has just stepped out. He may be gone some time....)

XENOBIOLOGY QUIZ RESULTS: 1 Marcus Rowland 86%, 2 Peter Wareham 78%, 3 Dermot Dobson 77%, 4 Thog the Mighty (what this 'per cent' crap?). 14 entries (out of 50+ papers sold); these will be returned with certificates where appropriate. Answers at Information. Robert Sneddon

CENSORSHIP IN SF: This panel was ••••••••!

RESTAURANT TESSITURA: Last night in Albert Ramsbottom's the real difference between an author and a critic (John Clute) was revealed -- not that a critic uses words like 'apotropaic' but that he finishes all his Cod Whopper and the remains of someone else's. Ramsey Campbell

FOOD FREAKS READ ON. Paparazzi's, Castle St (about 100m W of 'bus station); cheap Italian, very good; specially recommended is the Gorgonzola in Cream Sauce with Pasta and Stuff. ('Very filling,' burps Hibernian Correspondent Alastair Wheeler-Reid, 'and under a fiver including tips!!')

COUNT 'EM! Pedro Jorge Romero boasts that he bought five copies of the Encyclopaedia of SF.

MASQUERADE. Best in Show: The Willis Family+.

UNIVERSAL RULER -- now Noah Ward, as winner Hobbes was murdered by Stupendous Man.

GERMAN TASTE DEGENERATES. In the German-language panel Differences in Fandom, Perry Rhodan lost to Atlan! -- the latter being a PR bit-player who now has his own spin-off series....

Running Down

OVERHEARD: 'How many Germans have you tasted?' • 'Anyone who reports the death of Steve Green can't be all bad.' • 'I refuse to play a round with two priests.' • 'If I take 3 copies does it mean it's all true?' • 'I'm looking for Kevin.' 'Kevin who?' 'Kevin with trousers.' • Pam Wells: 'Isn't it sad when the snappiest dressers in fandom are the soft toys?' • 'Nerds in SF are of a much higher quality. Give me an SF nerd any day.' • 'You're one of the nicest nerds I've ever run across, Chris [O'Shea].' • 'Who hasn't at least once misread that sign in the lift as National Vulva?' • 'And you've got to wade your way through all the alien mutant spiky space-womble stuff.' • Mike Ford: 'Bernie Evans scored a first at the Mexicon desk by selling something that doesn't even exist!' Thog the Mighty: 'What?' 'Oh, I can't tell you or everyone will want one....' • 'Sperm! -- I knew there was something it reminded me of!' • 'A draft of artists?' 'An acquisition of publishers?' 'A whinge of writers.' 'A spittoon of Heliograph staffers.'

TIME IN ADVANCE. 13 April Birthdays: Mary Burns 1946, John Foyster 1941, Hank Stine 1945. Lovecraft's The Case of Charles Dexter Ward closed 1928. 14 April: James Branch Cabell 1879, Tom Monteleone 1946, Leland Sapiro 1924.

TURKEY BREASTS: A request for the subject matter of the next reading elicited mutters of 'Sex, sex, SEX.' A bid for page 69 was accepted.

HO HO! 'Sir, as an octogenarian I never cease to be amazed at technological advances. Recently, in California, I saw a large road sign reading, "Live horse racing by satellite". Whatever next!' Times Letter

BEAR IN BOX SAVED -- TIGER AT RISK. Tom would like to announce that he's put his bearhooks away forever (well, until he's bored). However, he finds the newly elected Ruler of the Universe curiously attractive....

RHODRI JAMES 'would like to thank the people who serenaded me after the Banquet last night. There wasn't a dry seat at the table.'

BUNCH OF WILLIES. The Chocolate Shop's Mr Wonka was thrilled by a group of filkers singing the specially composed 'Dark Chocolate and Alcohol' (apologies to Leslie Fish): 'Dark chocolate and alcohol / We don't care if the cities fall / If all we have in the convention hall / Is dark chocolate and alcohol.' For the rest, apply to L. Stratmann.

MASCETTI'S THREE LAWS of Helicon panels: (1) You're on a panel you didn't know about. (2) If you thought you were on a panel, you're chairing it. (3) If you're chairing a panel, you don't know who's on it. (4) If you're asked on to a panel at short notice, you don't know anything about the subject. (5) There's at least one more law than you thought. Steve Davies's Corollary: If you're chairing a panel, you didn't come. John Dallman's Corollary: If you thought you knew who your panellists were, one of them has become David Lally. Anon's Corollary. Any panel containing Jack Cohen and Jon Cowie becomes a duologue.

LATE SPLASH! Kathy's Mum denies all! 'I don't even know what boppin' is!'

TECH RADIO CHAT: 'Does the crew at the Lido need any drinks?' 'Yes, one white coffee no sugar, one Pepsi, and two PP3 batteries'. Chris O'Shea

DERMOTISM: a subtle yet coherent political philosophy based on the idea that all problems should be solved in such a manner that they will not dare reappear, and with a maximum of technological overkill.

FORTHCOMING OBIT: 'I have a Complaint. Too much chit-chat; not enough news.' Phil Rogers

NEWSROOM VOX POP. 'Even Iain Banks doesn't know why he crawled under that carpet....' • 'I want to complain! You didn't credit my comment!' (Anon) • 'How do you spell ...?' 'Don't ask Alex, for God's sake!' • 'I wouldn't recognize Sally-Ann Melia if she crawled up my leg.' • 'These seem to be the incredibly secret Intersection meeting minutes -- shall we run off 500 copies?' • 'Alex, would you like to crucify Chris for me?' 'Sure: where's the staple gun?' 'See Ops.' • Langford on Finns, 0500: 'Differently intelligenced ... or is that differently nostrilled?'

CLOSING CEREMONY: 'In terms of psychic energy, darlin', you're as thick as a brick.' • 'Now John Brunner's head's in the way of the side screen.' • 'I'm a table, I'm a coat-rack, I'm a guide -- I'm whatever you need....' • 'Why Thog not in Heliograph credits?'

ZOO CHARITY: we raised £1,000 over Helicon!


Heliograph 9, 12/4/93. Pusher: Dave Langford. Engine: Chris Suslowicz. Talker: John Dallman. Thinker: John Grant. Eye (bleary): Pam Wells. Feeder: Chris O'Sheaý. Walls: Ramsey Campbell, Stephen Rice, Alex Stewart and The Famous Anon.