Helicon's Newspaper

6 • Sunday 11 April



BRIAN ALDISS, Sci Fi author, corrects our roving Sun reporters: 'I told no kiddies, not even Brian Burgess, to "Fuck Off". Nor did I disappear when asked silly questions by the Independent reporter; in fact the question he asked was "Do you also write under the name of Harry Harrison," yet I sat placidly clutching my glass....'

BOUNTY HUNT. The Living With a Writer panel was a no-smoking event, as Katharine Kerr (whose hubby was a panellist) pointed out to the person sitting in front of her. According to Malcolm Edwards the reply was approximately 'Shut up, you bitch,' accompanied by a jet of smoke blown in her face, leading to a serious and painful asthma attack. This smoker's identity is now sought by several interested parties....

FAKEFAN COUNT: 'There were no true fans in the bar when I went to bed at 0600!' Chris Bell

ANON WRITES: 'Dear Langford, You will get yours soon. (1'st chance I get.) Signed, A Pulp Reader.' [Dear Pulp, Learn apostrophe's first -- Ed.]

MALCOLM EDWARDS, says Kees van Toorn mysteriously, Has Been Talked To and Will Pay. The universe is set aright....

GAMMA says: 'Barry Bayley is writing this great book about robot sex! Robots with children!'

Insidous Vegan Mind Control

ARTWORK. Those who bought any must collect it by 1800 today, when the Art Show goes spung!

MASQUERADE prizes will be given at the closing ceremony (except to Sir Edmund Blackadder), and not at the Awards presentation.

BANQUET: Unwanted tickets should be taken to Information NOW! • People on the waiting list for spare tickets must go to Information at 1430 today. If this clashes with any programme item you wish to attend, contact Information NOW!

HOW TO WIN A EUROCON: Saturday's ESFS meeting featured the final showdown between the eager contenders Timisoara (Romania) and Teplice (Czech Republic). The contest was decided in favour of Timisoara. Their smooth presentation was helped by the detail that nobody representing the competing bid is actually attending Helicon....Roelof Goudriaan

OVERFLOW BOOK AUCTION -- now MOVED to 1000 Monday, in the Colony Room -- book buyers please note, and come to be fleeced!

PLAGIARISM HORROR -- MCBAIN SUES: Those enjoying that Langford's writing here can also order a selection of his good stuff in Let's Hear it for the Deaf Man -- NESFA table, Dealers' Room. Only £3.50 plus postage. Sharon Sbarsky

L.A. IN '96 presupporters: pick up your Helicon Sticker at the Dealers' Room bid table and enter the raffle! Open Monday 1000-1800. Bruce Pelz

TEN DAY WONDER TANDOORI. The Taj Mahal appears to work on the Lovecraftian approach to cuisine: 'I am excited not so much by the actual presence of mysterious Bengali dishes before me as I am by the eldritch rumour and suggestion that these exotic apparitions might one day appear.' Be warned.... Ramsey Campbell

BAH, HUMBUG: some of those lured in for the Millennium and Little, Brown sales pitches by the promise of free drink were less than delighted to discover that only alcohol was available. Sort it out by Mexicon, grumbles the Teetotal Tendency, or see your sales diverted to clean-living Pan.

MORE FOODIES. Try Blues, Halkett Street. David Stewart: 'An eclectic dining experience in a deconstructivist, postmodern metaphor.' Frank de Cuyper: 'Pleasantly spiced food.' David Stewart: 'That's what I just said....' • Manhattan Restaurant (in square at end of Bath Street): very pleasant, well lit, nice Irish waitress. Good corn-on-the-cob, garlic bread -- best in town -- hamburgers and ice creams; the amusing house wine (Rioja) is eminently drinkable. (Pat McMurray)

WAITERS in the HdF have been seen contemplating our posters with some bewilderment. This is totally unacceptable: clause 5(3)a of the Eastercon Code clearly states that all posters etc. must be totally incomprehensible to non-fans.

NEW ESFS BORED. (Bridget: 'That's "board"!') On Saturday a new board was elected. Chair Bridget Wilkinson, UK; vice-chair Wiktor Bukato, Poland; secretary Leonid Kourik, Ukraine; treasurer Jürgen Marzi, Germany. Jürgen Marzi

BARKING. Foxy thanks whoever found and returned his earring. Tom Abba sends congrats....

COMPLANIT. The Starlight Room's Polish flag is upside-down. (Couldn't run a flag up in a ...)

NOVACON now has flyers at its con desk. Awesome, towering Bernie Evans demands that you come and join. £20 here, £25 after Helicon.

SF CLUB DEUTSCHLAND: want to renew membership for 1993? See the treasurer, Achim Sturm, at this convention.Oliver Grüter-Andrew.

ZOMBIE CLUB REBUTTAL: 'We deny everything. We are actually quite cute & nice. We love everybody (Especially everybody with soft fluffy brains)' [Ed: The Zombie Club are those very nice Finnish fans in black leather and metal studs.]

The Event Police

STOP PRESS! Confabulation wins 1995 Eastercon with hotel room rates of £31/night for a twin or double, in Docklands! (£37 single.) Gorblimey.

SF ENCYCLOPAEDIA SIGNING. John Clute and John Grant will sign The Encyclopaedia of SF today at 1600 -- Dealers' Room. Be there or....

VIDEO. 2000, Basement: The Prisoner -- Arrival.

ADDITIONAL PANELS: Where Do We Go From Here? SF/politics of the future, 1300 Regency, in English+. • What Are The Differences Between Fandoms? 2000 Regency in German (2 panellists needed). • Current German SF, 1500 Basement, in Welsh ... no, German. • Is English the Language of SF, 1800 Basement, in Pascal ... no, actually French. • Where Do You Start with Foreign SF, 1700 Golden, in foreign (er, multiple languages). • Where are the Jules Vernes of Today? In France. That is, in French, Monday 1300 Regency. • The Lionel Fanthorpe item has been replaced, superseded, transcended, and another put in its stead (etc): A Beginners' Guide to SETI by Dave Clements, 1500 Empire, in alien.

IQ SHORTAGE. Over 100 people have arrived at Helicon without having pre-booked accommodation. We have therefore now filled eight hotels.


WHO? Which potential Eastercon chair was observed this a.m. in the pool, indulging in an Adulterous Relationship with a shark? (Afterwards the shark said Psssssss....)Alison Scott

OVERHEARD: 'If this were a normal con all you'd have to do would be to find someone....' [And then you'd know where they were -- Ed.] • In Ops: 'We printed out all the programme participant letters and A.N. Other's was three pages long....' • Programming subcommittee irregular verbs: 'I reschedule, you slip, he runs late.' • In the swimming pool: 'That's not a six foot inflatable shark, that's an aquatic moose!' • 'Someone here is a sucker for punishment ... went to his first ever con and ended as a committee member, came here and got drafted for Sou'Wester....' • 'I've got to find a black plastic sack ... and preferably something to put in it.' • 'Just sign the book, John -- no, hold it up at the same time so that we can see the cover -- no, look this way while you're doing it -- click!'

11 APRIL BIRTHDAY. Rhodri James ('Tim Illingworth Jr') 1965. Movie releases: Bride of Frankenstein 1935, Tarzan's Savage Fury 1952, Conquest of Space 1955. Apollo 13 launched 1970.

GORBLIMEY! Claire Brialey claims the new record for delayed arrival, with a 31-hour delay from Brighton. 'The airline (City Not-Flyer and Not-Very-Express) offered virtually no help -- reduced rates only at a Gatwick Hotel, no meals, no compensation, dodgy information and no sympathy.' (So much for that, then. Important bit follows.) 'We did get a free drink on the aborted flight but were charged for alcohol on Thursday: "It's company policy that we're not responsible for the weather or any associated delays." ... If it weren't for the return journey on Tuesday (or Wednesday, or Thursday) I could say with total confidence that I will never use that airline again.'

NOTA BENE: Guernsey/Jersey COINS (as opposed to notes) are NOT acceptable outside the Islands. So -- clear your currency each day and put those non-UK coins in Fans Across The Worlds coffers.

JERSEY POLICE rang: 'We've found this Romanian passport ... we guess it's one of yours?'

RUMOUR MILL: FP were apparently advised they could sell the Encyclopaedia at its launch. There were objections from millions of other dealers, which is why the Encyclopaedia was only available in the dealers' room from 1000 today....

TRUTH SHALL BE TOLD. The spellcheck on the mighty Heliograph computer, confronted by 'committees', suggests 'comatose'....

MEMBERSHIP STATS. Sunday 1100: 798 full members, 27 one-day memberships (12 Friday, 11 Saturday, 4 Sunday) and 5 toy memberships: TOTAL 830, of whom 52.02 are Romanians.

EROTIC SF panel ... 'The French are suggesting installing teledildonic machines in hotel rooms....' Mike Cule: 'I'm not sure I would want to put anything of mine into any such orifices.' Dave Clements: 'What about your credit card?' Mike Abbott: 'By barcoding suitable portions of anatomy you could pay at the same time.' Brian Ameringen: 'Surely, when you cross a teledildonics machine with a cashpoint you get someone coming into money?'

Heliograph 6, 11/4/93. Drained swimming pool: Dave Langford. Spinal landscape: Dave Clements, John Dallman, John Grant, Chris Suslowicz. Greta Garbo: Caroline Mullân ('The Encyclopaedia spelt my name wrong!'). Marilyn Monroe: Alison Scott. Elizabeth Taylor: Amanda Baker. SQRT(-1): Bernie Evans. Traven, Talbot, Travers, Talbert, Travis etc: Pat McMurray.