|A squib from the far-off days when Dave Langford dabbled in Dungeons & Dragons and was not above sending up the relentless proliferation of player-designed character classes. This was my first appearance in White Dwarf -- its second issue, in fact. Nostalgia....|
The sage Figgis has anxiously observed a new class among us: Scientists. The prime requisite for this strange breed is Scientific Approach, calculated by adding Intelligence to Wisdom, dividing by 2 and subtracting the square root of the difference between Dexterity and Charisma. Scientists, it seems, like to do things in the most complicated way. Yet they insist upon precision, and to this end will fight only with edged weapons (e.g. +1 Scalpel, Cursed Steel Rule, Sarcasm -- Chemists are particularly noted for cutting retorts). Their tatty lab-coats, thickly padded with notes on old envelopes, count as Armour Class 8, but a critical hit upon the pocket calculator scores double damage. Their most-used power is Scepticism, destructive of all illusion (and some realities). High level Scientists have even deadlier abilities. A Professor of Mathematics, for example, can translate his foes into Hilbert space with but a gesture of the pencil.... To balance the might of Science, the chaotic powers of Antiscience exist in equal strength:
Level (& no. of
5-sided hit dice)
Scientist Antiscientist Experience Points 1 Illiterate Illiterate 0 1 Graduate Illiterate pi 2 Technician Luddite 1,024 3 Programmer Astrologer 2,048 4 Researcher Administrator 4,096 5 Ph.D Pop Singer 8,192 6 Prof. of Biology Jehovah's Witness 16,384 7 Prof. of Mathematics Football Supporter 32,768 8 Prof. of Physics Sociologist 65,536 9 Polymath Vondaniken 131,072
Science changes swiftly: by the time a Polymath or Vondaniken has acquired 262,144 EPs, he/she will be out of touch and must start again at 1st level. The other fate most dreaded by Scientists is the bestowal of the Nobel Prize by a capricious dungeonmaster. Recipients of this honour collect 30,000 silver pieces, but are instantly attacked by every other Scientist in the game....
|Published in White Dwarf 2, August/September
Article Index Home