It is, of course, totally unfair to authors ... but don't you sometimes find yourself fascinated by a book's stylistic quirks and tics, to the point where they overshadow the narrative? In Norman Spinrad's Bug Jack Barron the big question was how long the author could wait before writing 'nitty-gritty' again. E.E. 'Doc' Smith hypnotizes us with futuristic conversational idioms: for example, 'In sync to the skillionth of a whillionth of a nanosecond!' is his characters' way of saying 'Yes', while 'By Klono's TUNGSTEN TEETH and CURVING CARBALLOY CLAWS!' means roughly 'Oh dear.' Heinlein's The Number of the Beast set readers counting the many subtle allusions to female breasts, or as he liked to call them, 'teats' – beginning on page one and climaxing with the supremely tasteful description of a kiss from the lady's viewpoint: 'Our teeth grated, and my nipples went spung!'
Similarly, in the Thomas Covenant books by Stephen R. Donaldson there was the thrill of detecting when the great man had turned again to the Oxford English Dictionary to improve his style. Argute with concentration and caducity, he would make his preterite way through its gelid, sapid pages, full of beneficent mansuetude and analystic refulgence, and hurl each clinquant new discovery at you like a jerid. 'They were featureless and telic, like lambent gangrene. They looked horribly like children.' One doesn't like to think what children look like in Donaldson's part of the world.
My latest favourite, more fascinating even than Donaldson, is L.E. Modesitt with his 'Recluce' fantasy series. Modesitt likes sound effects, always in italics. His books never say, 'There was a knock at the door', but: Thrap. So when I came to read The Magic Engineer, I thought it would be fun to note down all the sound effects in its 750-odd pages.
The result, I like to think, is something of a prose poem which conveys the entire book in distilled form. I persuaded famous actor Mike Cule – seen on TV as the Vogon who says 'Resistance is useless!' – to declaim it ringingly as part of a programme item at the recent World SF Convention in Glasgow. The performance brought tears to everyone's nostrils. Try this feast of onomatopoeia for yourself (you may omit the page numbers):
4 ... clung ...
55 ... clickedy ... click ...
61 Flappppp ... thwipp ...
67 thunkkkk ... hhhnnnnn ...
68 ... hhhnnnn ... hhhhnnnn ... thump ... slurrppp ... thump ... thump ...
70 ... hhhhnnnnn ... thump ... thump ...
72 Thweeeeett ...
74 Wheeee ... eee ...
75 Whheeeee ...
77 Whheeee ... eeeee ...
78 Snick ... Whhsttttt ...
81 ... tu ... whuuuu ...
82 ... tu ... whuuuu ...
87 Whuuu ... uffffff ...
92 Thhuummpp ...
93 Whhhheeeeee ... rrrmmmmm ... rrrrmmmmm ... thrummmbblle ...
94 wehhhhheeeee ... cracccckkkkkk ... crackkkkk ...
99 Creeeeaaakkk ...
100 Creaaakkk.
104 Squeakkk ... Whhhsttt.
105 Squeaakkk ...
110 Click ... clickedy ... click ...
119 ooooo
120 oooo
126 Whhnnnnn ... nnnun ...Note the page numbers; there seems to be a strange gap here. Did our sensitive-eared author's mood change, or did a different copy-editor take over for a bit? There are secrets of the Universe which puny human minds were not built to comprehend.
222 burrruppp
261 Clunk!
274 Thrap ... thrap ...
278 Creakkkkk ...
295 Whuuuffff ...
314 crummp
359 Crummmppp ...
371 Whufffff ...
374 Whhnnnnn ...
375 Crummmpppp ...
376 Whuffff ...
383 Thrap ...
387 Clunnngggg ... clunnggg ...
412 Crack! Crack! Crack!
435 Creakkkk ...
480 thunk
492 ... clung ...
493 Clung ...
505 Wheeee ...
506 Whheeeee ... Whhheeeee ...
512 Keee ... aaa ... keee ... aaaa ... Keee ... aaaa ... keee ... aaaa ...
524 Crumpppp!!
527 Wheeennn ...
549 Thwannnnngggg ...
557 Wheee ... eeeee ...
566 Fwwuuuphhh ... fwuppp ... Fwwwuuuppphhh ... fwupp ... fwuppp ... Clunk ...
567 Creaakkkkk ... creeakkkk ... WHHHHHEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeee ...
570 terwhit
574 CRRRRRuuummmmmpppp!!!! CRRRRRuuummmmmpppp!!!! CRRRRRuuummmmmpppp!!!!
582 CRUUUMPPPPPP!!!!
588 Whheeee ...
585 terwhit
601 Terwhit ... terwhit.
611 Scccffff ...
624 Click ... click ... WHHHsssttt! Crack ... thump ... whummmmmmPPPPTTTTTTT ... EEEEEEEEIIIIIIIIiiii!
625 Thurrrrummmmmmmmmm ... thuruummmmm ...
628 fwwuuuphhh ... fwuppp ... Fwwwuuuppphhh ... fwuupp ... fwuppp ...
639 PHsssttttt ... PHHHssttttt ... Phhhssst ... platttt!!! Shhhh ... plattt ...
671 CRRRuuummmppp!
685 Gee – ahhh ...
741 Whhhsttttt ...After which, there really seems nothing one can say but: TTHHHHEEEeeeeee ENNNNnnndd!!!