That Closing Ceremony
A Committee Statement. 'On behalf of the entirety of the Sou'Wester Committee, of whom I myself am Chairman of, we would like to at this belated moment in time express our very most profound distress for the very unfortunate omission out of the Closing Ceremony of a full brief mention of the contribution of the triffic Newsletter Team, ably led by Darren Langford, Pete Barnett, Jane van't Ent, Julie Reed, Amy Frost, Mick Abbot and others, without which the Convention, of which I am sure we were all agreed was otherwise an extremely very successful one, could not have proceeded -- especially those jolly amusing bits from Thog (what a 'card'!). We took the special 'Wartime' edition in the same jovial spirit with which it was intended -- a good one, fellas. What can we say? It was a mistake. A glitch. A cock-off. Sorry, guys (and gals).'
["Now die, Marcus" -- The Massed Armies of the Second Chrisade.]
To the Sea's Furthest End
5 April Birthdays. Those reading this at midnight should toast Lord Lister, 1827; Algernon C.Swinburne, 1837; Bette Davis, 1908; and Robert Bloch, 1917.
Pinballs. Please tick your 'gone away' box on the Voodoo Board before leaving. If, that is, the Voodoo Board still exists after today's orgy of teardown....
Feedback Session. Mike Abbott: This diplomatically-renamed Gripe Session proved well named, as, er, there weren't that many gripes. A few failings from the hotel (but successes too), and difficulty finding enough time for the Eternal Art Auction, but nothing major. Big thanks were given to John Harold and the security team: there has been only one theft so far, and a lot of suspicious characters have been caught and turned away (Thog slip through the net, har har). Alison Scott commented on most issues with Confabulation's plans. This was useful but not, I'd suggest, always a good idea: if people have serious grumps they don't want to be told next year's solutions, they want grovelling. Two signs of Sou'Wester success: someone said the programme hadn't left time for meals, and the Feedback Session itself was under-attended and under-ran -- the one time the committee like to see this!
Available: Letter of Marque -- one Licence to Kill (Single Use Only). Hugh Mascetti offers for auction one genuine permit -- signed by security boss John Harold -- to slaughter the being of your choice, and invites suggestions for venue, time, and Good Cause to benefit from the auction. (Direct offers also considered.)
Live Band. Bad Influence got credited twice in the Feedback Session: once from discophile Kari for being a good band, and once from phonophobe Marcus Rowland for not being too loud in the lounge. I thought they were pretty good, too. Conrunning note for those who think this is too specialised an interest: I counted approximately 100 dancing, 50 more in the audience.
Closing Ceremony. Short and to the point. Thanks were given (with one small omission, hem-hem), First Tiger Hobbes rose from the grave in good order, and a mysterious hedgehog floated in the air.
Fix! Fix! Martin 'Gall Bladder Op' Hoare won the FATW raffle: a bottle of Russian vodka.
War Report. Thog now know word 'propaganda', if not meaning. Newsletter war on con committee deemed won by thorough boot-licking of Thog's feet by conquered Marcus Streets. Kamikaze pilot Michael Abbott humiliated himself by returning alive from his mission to deliver a declaration of war to Chris Bell. He couldn't find her.
Hedgehog Allied Press: No sightings of pyjamas yet but we have confirmed reports of a balloon-powered hedgehog aerialist at the closing ceremony. Porculus spinorum as yet unavailable for interview.
You can raise welts like nobody else: Inconceivable ('If it doesn't move, put a flyer on it') would like to thank Tony the Time Traveller and his amazing weaving hedgehogs and Rafe 'I just happened to have these handcuffs with me' Culpin for their help with 'specialist equipment' for the cabaret last night. More offers are always welcome! • And many thanks too to everyone who's suffered and succumbed when faced with our sales pitch, especially the mushroom mantra.
Down to a Sunless Sea
Off the Wall. A female Norwegian (with terrorist connections) ripped off a Pasquale's Angel promo-poster for a personal signing by Jim Burns. 'Oh,' said Jim with deep regret, 'You've nicked it already. I was planning on nicking it myself.'
Sonic the Hedgehog Pyjamas! Mr CE of Sydenham, we desperately need some witty jokes on this one. Please, we humbly beg of you, come to our aid...
I've Lost a Little List. Well, Steve Glover has, and doesn't know who has/has not (but wants) a copy of his fanzine. If you'd like one after the con, write him at 16 Aviary Place, Leeds W12 2NP (e-mail Steve_Glover@hicom.lut.ac.uk).
Marion Pitman's fun Sunday: 'I got up, went to church, had lunch, watched Jack's sex talk and then started throwing up.'
Re..re..registration Registration manager Caroline Mullan formally fired herself for incompetence as at 12:30pm Monday. She cited the following evidence of her complete unfitness for duty: (1) she completely failed to recognize Neil Gaiman on his arrival at the convention, and when he identified himself as Guest of Honour followed this up by handing him Kim Newman's registration pack! (2) on Sunday afternoon she completely failed to notice for several hours that she had lost her badge. (3) on Monday morning she opened registration without noticing she had no cashbox. Her manager hopes that future con committees will note that she's completely unfitted for any post requiring organizational or social ability. (Should do OK on Newsletter.)
Tony Berry jilted! After their whirlwind romance which captured the hearts of the convention, Jackie 'Expecting a Nova Award Soon' McRobert has announced that it is all over between her and Tony 'Nova Administrator' Berry. When asked about the end of the affair Tony confessed: 'I was doing OK until some bastard told her Mike Moir's running the Hugo Awards for The Scottish Convention.'
Arthur C Clarke Award judge seeks ambitious, pert-nippled groupie for mutually advantageous arrangement. Contact TAC Box 667.
Thog heard person in dealers' room say: 'Last year's newsletter was brilliant and this is almost as good.' (Person now to be found in dealers' room, lounge, main hall, Hypotherm, Lime Street Station, Philharmonic Dining Room, Albert Dock, Brookside Close....)
Tyger Tayles: First Tiger Hobbes staged his own murder as a coup d'etat in order to replace his security chief. Surprise candidate the Sheriff of Nottingham was literally raised to his position, to the sound of groaning and licking of boots. Thog have plans for that bloody tiger, but Thog saying nothing....
Bolstering the Issue. So someone asked for their feather pillows to be replaced with something non-allegernic, and the Adelphi said fine. 17 1/2 hours later the replacements arrived: styrofoam blocks ...
The Coracle of Cthulhu
Overheard & Overseen. P.Barnett: 'Jane, you didn't go to the naughty Neil Gaiman reading without an accompanying parent, did you? Jane: 'Expletive deleted off, Daddy.' • 'Handmaiden of Thog hath come to stroke Thog's brow.' 'Thog have very low brow, heh heh.' • 'You bastards! Dam' fine line if you ask me.' -- Stephen Marley • 'Mizzen Mast? Is that a compliment, do you suppose?' • Tim Illingworth at the Big and Juicy panel: 'Stuff your programme items up the far end.' • Eileen Weston has gone to the belly-dancing workshop • The last item on the French menu in the lifts is authentically 'Le Garlic Bread' • The napkins in the restaurant read 'Wish You a Merry Christmas' • Barnett: 'Jilly does laugh a lot at phalluses, doesn't she? Langford: 'I don't know, has she laughed a lot at yours?' • 'Shouting at people is what I live for' -- Abigail •
Overwhelming Response to pyjama joke plea! What's a hedgehog's favourite breakfast? Rice Pricklies! Favourite drink? Gin and Sonic! Favourite pagan festival? Jamastide! Favourite order at motorway services? Squash! Item of underwear? Sonickers! Favourite example of Southern US cuisine? Jamabalaya! Favourite musical? The Pyjama Game! Rock star? PJs Proby!
A Closing Note (Poststructuralist)
When Inspiration Strike Thog, Thog Strike Back.
Credits. Cook: Paul Barnett. Captain Bold: Dave Langford. Mate of the Nancy Brig: Jilly Reed. Bo'sun Tite: Abigail Frost. Midshipmite: Jan van't Ent. The Crew of the Captain's Gig: Mike Abbott, Simon Bradshaw, Gordon Brignal.
• Copyprinting courtesy of Gestetner Ltd, Lincoln House, 100 Broadway, Salford, M5 2UW. Contact Peter Maddocks: 061-872-8511. •